The Polymer Paradise

Plastic.

When did the Toys-R-Us giraffe stick its head in the window of my family room and throw up an ocean of primary-colored plastic playthings? My house has become a safe-for-two-and-under wasteland of toys that take up every nook and cranny. We are still trying to keep order so all of our (my) things are slowly being pushed into a two-foot by two-foot patch in my closet that is beneath the toys that we have not brought out yet for Maya.

Did I mention what we bought our little darling for Xmas? I am too embarrassed to even describe it so here is a link. Go ahead, I will wait right here until you get back.

I know I am my own worst enemy. What were we thinking? OK, for those of you that are link-challenged; we bought Maya a 5’ by 5’ by 3’ inflatable ball pit and 200 plastic balls. It is made by a great little company called Landfill’s Nightmare. I may moan about this, but I am secretly excited to see her in it and that is what Xmas is all about as a parent, right? Toiling at jobs so we can get excited about toys that our kid may or may not play with in the end.

I can fully appreciate the war stories that have been regaled to me by my elders: The Cabbage Patch incursion of ’82, the Battle for Furby Hill and this years conflict for Elmo TMX. With this holiday season approaching, I am finding the transformation is almost complete to a full-fledged parent. If I am in Target and I see one of these Elmo dolls I will shiv every last one of you for a chance to give my daughter something that I think she wants, yes, the cardboard box. Trite, but true.

Sorry for the meander. I wanted to talk about the toys in our house. The ball pit is now going to be beside the giant plastic fish, the miniature playhouse, the two cars and the Dora couch. Maya loves her fish. It is built as a rocker and she likes it when I push her around in it across the carpet. She has smaller toys that she plays with (and yes books and toys that don’t make noise and educational stuff so please don’t call DCFS) but I want to focus on the larger items that she really has grown fond of in the past couple of months.


The miniature playhouse sings lights up and has two volume settings for loud and nervous breakdown. Yes, looking at Maya you can see the size of this thing. Also, based on the sign you know who bought her one of her favorite toys. Maya loves this thing and I keep telling her that with a house come responsibility and I plan on making a toy little coupon book for her second mortgage. Learning how to spend beyond one’s limits is never too early.

Well, as an American, she has the house now she needs the two cars in the driveway. Our neighbors and relatives each bought us battery-operated themed cars. One is a Disney princess theme and the other is a fairy tale theme. Again, Maya loves these things, she hits all the buttons that make all the noises and activates the flashing lights non. Wait, let me rewrite that sentence: Maya loves these things, she hits ALL the buttons that make all the NOISES and activates the FLASHING lights NONSTOP.
Another lesson learned. People do not care about what you want when you have a kid; it is all about what makes the child happy.


I call this one the estrogen cruiser and its twin sister (not pictured) the pre-life crisis mobile. Disney is evil, evil, evil. I am terrified when I see the 6 sisters of the Disney clan motoring toward me and my little girl smiling an evil grin as she is slowly assimilated. This thing sings songs and has little sayings like: “Under the sea, la lala”, “One day my Prince will come.” and “Buy more Disney licensed merchandise” Whoa, sorry.

Last up is the Dora couch. This is Maya’s altar. She has voluntarily kissed this piece of fabric more times than she has me. She will kick back and watch Elmo on it or just pull it out and straight lounge not letting her hectic day get to her. As you can see by the picture below, she is not the only one that knows how to get her relax on.


So, no point to this post really; just providing another interesting glimpse into our so called lives. For Xmas this year I am thinking about imposing the airline rule on all presents that they must fit inside a certain box to be allowed entry into our house. Right, I know, I know, I am the guy that bought 25 square feet of inflatable fun. I guess we are all suckers at heart and will do anything to get that little smile.