All thanks to a tire

Weird situation for me this past weekend. A friend of ours was having tire issues late on a Saturday afternoon when most places were closed. She was coming into our town from Wisconsin to see family and to watch the Bears crush the Panthers. (I am a sports fan, but to pay that much money for tickets seems a little ludicrous; even the tailgate parking was going for $200 a spot)

She drove down on Saturday and was able to get into Sam's club Auto around 2-3 for the tire repair which was supposed to last about 3 hours because of the weekend wait. Believe me, I would not want to spend this amount of time in a Sam's Club for all of the 5 gallon jars of mayonnaise in the world. C was explaining this to me about the big car shuffle and how she was going to drive and her friend was going to drive and so forth. You know how you can tell when your spouse or significant other is prepping you? She had the speech in her head and was laying out the argument guiding me down through the wooden rails that lead to the slaughterhouse doors.

C: "Blah* blah blah tire."
K: "OK"C: "Blah blah blah Sam's Club."
K: "Gotcha"
C: "Blah blah blah 2-3 hours."
K: "No problem."
C: "Blah* blah blah She needs you to watch her kid."
K: "What? Wait what's going on?**"

*Blah - every instance meaning a concise and complete description of events transpiring that have been edited for this format not because the author was not listening"
**ensuing argument omitted for fear of creating documented proof to fuel future arguments.

I've watched kids before for 30-second intervals, nothing like this, but I knew it was something that was long overdue and would give me a glimpse into this whole parenting world. I came back from an afternoon run to be informed that the he (I will call him "The Kid" from now on -Damn weird Internet perverts) was sleeping and that the they were going to leave once I showered.

With last second advice and the smell of fear washed off of me I assured the Mom that everything was cool and that my cell phone would be connected to me like a pacemaker in case of trouble or a really full diaper.

C: "Raised eyebrow" (You going to be OK?)
K: "Shoulder shrug" (I think so.)
C: "Smirk" (You know he is going fill his diaper)
K: "Cautious smile" (Please hurry)

"The Kid" was asleep in the other room with the door closed and the fan whirling. I was in the family room with the TV on low tuned to something non-offensive so as not to damage his sleeping psyche. The dogs were on the couch as usual. Time ticked slowly.

K: (to self) "Shit was that a sound?"
TK: (in other room) "..."
K: (muting TV) "Shit, shit, shit - I thought he was going to sleep the whole time. You have the cell phone, relax. Don't call or they are going to laugh at you. Prove that you can do this. They think you are this hot, intelligent hunk of a caring man and you don't want to ruin that perception.
TK: (muffled cry)
K: (muffled cry)
TK: "...Momma?..."

I jumped out of the chair and took a deep breath before opening the door. Lying on the bed was this cute little moppet rubbing the remaining sleep out of his eyes. He turned and looked at me with half-drawn eyes and in the cutest little voice spoke.

"Hi...Kevy, where's Momma?"
"She went to replace the damaged tire at Sam's Club."
(Wait, wait stupid, it's a kid, they don't understand complex terms)
"I mean, the car is broken and she went bye-bye to fix it."
(Great now you are going to retard his growth by speaking down to him)
"She went bye-bye?"
(Damn it, he's starting to cry a little. Quick, moron, think of something. What is the one thing your experience with kids has taught you.)
"Hey, "The Kid" do you want to watch a movie?"
"OK."

Now, I know that the bait and switch has been used since caveman times to quell the desires of unhappy kids.

Grog: "Grok, no cry, look rock"
Grok: "Yay."

Really, I understand that TV is not a babysitter, it should only be used in small doses and infrequently like another common parent's helper --Valium.

"The Kid" really is a well-adjusted 30-month old and smart beyond his years (months). Now that I broke the seal, he was ready to sit down and relax in front of the tube.

K: "Hey, "The Kid" what do you want to watch?"
TK: "Elephants"
K: OK, let's see what we have in Momma's magic bag. (Fumbling) Hmmmm. no elephant's in here what do you want to watch?"
TK: "Elephants."
K: "There are no elephants in here, let me call the video store (wasn't going to say I was calling Mom, yep already three minutes into babysitting and I am lying to the kid.")

M: "Is everything OK?"
K: "He wants to watch elephants."
M: "It's in the laptop. Everything OK"
K: "No problems."

Another lesson learned, a kid is not your client. You do not have to cater to his/her every desire. I pulled the DVD out of her laptop and loaded it up. It was a Baby Einstein movie (movie?) about animals that have these really creepy puppets and music and montages intertwined with very bright and distinct color sets. Market share for these videos seems to be equally divided between babies, toddlers and the college demographic.

Placing a couple of pillows on the floor I set up a little relaxation lounge for his viewing pleasure. The video was playing but "The Kid" still looked confused and unsettled. I asked him what was wrong and he just seemed out of sorts. I tried to guide him to the pillow but now he was just looking directly at me as I sat in the big blue Laz-E-Boy (really that is how it is spelled).

He stuck both his hands out toward me. At first I thought it was in a accusatory manner, like he was pointing at me telling me I was a bad caregiver. As I was reaching for the cell phone something clicked in me and I realized that he wanted me to pick him up, no he wanted to sit with me on the chair to watch the movie.

Reaching down I picked him up and put him between my legs on the chair. He settled right in and relaxed against me in a way that I haven't seen since I had my last double treatment of wine therapy. Here I was on a chair watching a video with this little person and I wasn't screwing him up at all. The excitement that was inside of him was amazing; we screamed out the name of each animal and identified rain and flowers and colors.

K&TK: "Clouds!"
K&TK: "Zebra!"
K: "Moose!"
TK: "No, Kevy that's a caribou."
K: "Right, I know."

Kids are smarter than you give them credit for; also TK's Mom later told me that if she had $1 for every time they watched this DVD she could be majority owner in Baby Einstein Holdings Inc.

So there we sat, the footstool on the chair extended, both of us had out legs stretched out as he sat in the crook of my lap. We moved our sock-clad feet in time to the music and screamed out the names of everything he knew and I was feeling like I was seeing these things for the first time.

Then it hit me. Here is this little boy completely dependent on those around him to feed, clean and educate him. He seemed so content sitting there pushed up against me for comfort. So innocent and trusting and loving without a fault and he was just being a kid. No cares (his pants weren't filled yet) no worries and completely satisfied in the moment. He wasn't worrying about the job or the bills or any other of a million nuisances, he was just in the moment and I was glad that he invited me there.

I had my first realizations that I think I can do this. Maya will be here in a couple of months and she is going to be MY daughter, MY responsibility and probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I know that babies don't just poop rainbows and puppy dogs; there will be a considerable amount of work involved and a lot of strenuous challenges, but spending time with "The Kid" really made me realize that I am in store for an amazing journey. One that I am looking forward to taking.

On a side note, after 3 hours of waiting (and shopping) C and her friend went back to Sam's Club to get the fixed car. Unfortunately, for some strange reason when the two of them get together some weird quantum worm hole rips through the time/space fabric of the universe and they enter a place called loony world. So after all the hassle and waiting (and shopping) they returned to find out that the repair guy was missing a key part, namely the rim from the damaged tire that was sitting in a fix-it shop 60 miles away in another state. (She eventually got it fixed the next day)